Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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