Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Come share oat with me in your robe
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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