remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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