The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
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For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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