I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
