Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
