And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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