I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
