He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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