My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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