i would punch a child for taco bell
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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