I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
