well I can't set my house on fire every night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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