just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
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my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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