Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
