look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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