Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
