hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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