i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
