hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
