paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
