I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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