You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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