When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
