How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
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Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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