I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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