I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
