u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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