What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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