Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
