I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
