Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
