were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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