i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
