I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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