He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
