i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
