I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
