my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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