porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.