This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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