you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
