She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
