Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
