What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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