At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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