Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
