just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
