There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
