i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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