Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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