Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
