Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
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YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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