It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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